I will always wonder if I did everything I could to save him.
I sat in the coffee shop with my new friend talking about our mutual love for the day shelter for homeless individuals where we both volunteer. As we shared our stories, I discovered we were drawn to this unique place of grace and mercy for some of the same reasons. Like me, she had a family member who battled addiction. Like me, she had helplessly watched someone she loved deeply hurtling head long down the path of self-destruction. Like me, something about this holy place brought healing to the broken places left behind.
When Daddy died in 2008, I wrote about the complicated messy reality of saying goodbye to my intelligent, charismatic, loving, tragic hero of a father. In spite of multiple treatments for his illness, he could never escape the demons which haunted him and ultimately killed him. My siblings and I, along with his parents and his multiple wives, begged, cajoled, scolded, ranted and cried hoping to convince him to stop drinking and take care of himself. We alternately tried to take control of his life and left him to fend for himself in our efforts to persuade him to do what he needed to do to get better. Ultimately, I couldn’t stand by and watch him bring about his own destruction and my contact with him in the last decade was strained and infrequent. He called on Thanksgiving, 3 days before his death, but I was too busy preparing the holiday meal and told him I would call him back later. I never spoke with him again.
In my 20s, I attended Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings to help me 
deal with my grief over my dad’s worsening illness. I eventually became a trained addictions and mental health counselor. Through the profound wisdom of the 12 step program, much of which comes straight from the pages of our Christian bible, I learned how to set boundaries with my emotionally manipulative, yet loving father. I learned his illness was not my fault and ultimately not his either. I learned he was the only one who could choose to get better and no amount of righteous anger or desperate pleading on my part could “make” him choose the path to wellness. I learned I had a choice about whether to ride his emotional roller coaster with him or instead love him from a distance. With increasing frequency, for the sake of my own mental health and my young family, I chose the latter.
Still, I would sometimes wonder if I had done enough. If I had called him more, if I had been less angry, if I had tried harder to understand, if I had made the time to speak to him that last Thanksgiving day… maybe then things might have been different?
It was several years into my work at The Lamb Center before I made the connection. As I patiently listened to our guests sharing their stories, I began to see the parallels to my father’s story. Many, like my dad, have complicated relationships with their families who have perhaps done everything they can do to help their loved one and have no more to give, the pain of betrayal and disappointment too great to keep trying. I remember the times my dad had been on the streets and I wonder if someone, somewhere listened to him in the way I am listening now to my new friends, if he too talked about how much he loved his kids and how proud he was of them. In bible study and in private conversation, I remind my friends of God’s unconditional love and the power of surrender. I speak the words to them which brought healing to me:
- One day at a time
- Do the next right thing
- Let go and let God
- Cultivate an attitude of gratitude
- First things first
- HALT- don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired
- Expectations are the seeds of resentment
- God doesn’t make junk
- Keep coming back, It works if you work it
I give to them what I could no longer give to my father. And, as I trust God for their healing and redemption, I find them for myself.
Welcome #LiveFreeThursday friends! Our theme this week is “when you’ve done everything you can.” Read more stories of grace, surrender, mercy and redemption here.
What a beautiful way to turn hardship into blessing Kelly!
Bravo, Kelly! Well said and powerful.
My heart aches but rejoices for the blessings that have ensued. You are a gift.
Thank you for sharing Kelly. When we bear our secrets, pain, and hardships, I believe God’s light shines into the darkness. There is no more fear, embarrassment, or shame. We have been serving the homeless for a couple of years now and have heard similar stories and my whole attitude has changed towards homeless individuals. They are people and like everyone else should be extended grace, compassion, and love. Blessings to you!
His greatest love in life was his children. Always know that.
Oh Kelly… I’m reading in tears. Our stories are similarly parallel…. extremely, in fact. What an awesome way to honor your father, by volunteering and offering help to those who are walking in similar paths as his. My prayers are with you, sweet girl; from someone who has been there. My dad is still living, but is living in a nursing home after OD’ing two years ago. He doesn’t know me, or anyone. He can’t take care of himself. He is alive, but is far from living life. I walked this very path with him; begging him to get help. It’s exhausting. And one day, I stopped. I prayed. I surrendered it to Christ. I wrote my dad’s eulogy two nights after his incident, because the doctors told me it was a matter of hours. I was the only one who cared enough to be at his bedside. I keep those words I wrote with me every single day. Because it was healing. It was a plea to his other children to love. To forgive. To surrender. Oh, I could go on and on and on. But know this, I am praying for you! God sees your work; may you be blessed, sweet girl!!! #livefreeThursday
Thanks for sharing your story. It is beautiful how God can use our pain for good and enable us to help others. Visiting from #LiveFreeThursday.
This is powerful, Kelly! God Bless You.
Kelly, I am grateful for our conversation at the coffee shop, and God’s kind gesture of leading us both to the Lamb Center — a place of healing.
Dear Kelly,
That was absolutely beautiful. Your dad was an intelligent, caring, funny, hard working, tell it like it is kind of guy. He left this world way to soon. The disease he battled, most can’t understand the impact. It had a grip on his entire body, mind, and spirit. It’s an ugly disease that effected him and all those around him. But one thing he made very known was that he loved you, Karen and Kurt so very much. He talked a lot about how proud of ALL of you he was. I know this doesn’t change the past, but it’s nice to hear from another close perspective…:) God Bless!!
Powerful words Kelly. How I wished someone like you had reached out to me as a child living with a drunk abusing Dad. I made so many bad decision because of the past. Thank God, He has delivered me from being a victim from my past, I walk in victory because forgiveness reigns in my heart. Before getting saved I could have put my Dad in a nursing home and never went back to see him, ever. But, because of Gods love for me a sinner I did go see him and later we brought him to live the remaining years of his life. He got saved the night before he died. God worked a miracle in my Dad mind. The mind destroyed by booze, and a stroke cleared as if he had never taken a drink or had a stroke and my husband led my dad to the LOrd. The next day he died, like the thief on the cross he went to be with Jesus. Did he deserve it, no, but I do not deserve it either. The ground is level at the foot of the cross. Glad I stopped by.