Some days, as the day draws to a close, I feel like a complete failure.
Not every day, but on more days than I would like to admit, I reach the end of the day feeling dissatisfied. I find myself wrestling with a nagging sense of disappointment, disillusionment, and discontent with the items left unchecked on my to do list and the expectations I had for myself I didn’t meet.
I got the bills paid, but the laundry is half finished. I made the phone calls and sent the emails I needed to send on behalf of the Lamb Center, but didn’t get in any of the writing time I had planned. I spent some time in prayer, but never got around to exercising. I called the friend who has been on my mind, but never called my mom back. I am apparently a failure as a parent because my kids are grown but still can’t figure out how to empty the dishwasher or pick up their room. And, of course, I STILL didn’t tackle all the piles and clean out all the closets, cupboards, laundry room, file cabinet, etc. that I have been threatening to clean out for months years.
Oddly enough, I do generally find time to squeeze in prodigious amounts of time on Facebook, my favorite blogs and other forms of mind numbing Internet entertainment. 🙂
One of my favorite writers, Shauna Niequist, tells the story of the day she knew she needed to adjust her expectations and let herself off the hook a bit. As she glanced back over a lengthy to-do list, she found her gaze settling on the words at the bottom of the page:
DO EVERYTHING BETTER!!!
For most of the women I know, and probably a number of men, “do everything better” is a pretty good summation of their expectations for themselves.
I can’t decide if it is pride or foolishness or both that leads me to believe I really can and should do everything better. If I think about the disappointment in my day which I described above, an expectation of perfection is really at the heart of the issue. Simply put, it seems I am disappointed that I still haven’t figured out a way to do everything perfectly.
I love this quote from Ann Voskamp:
Perfectionism is slow death by self. Perfectionism will kill your skill, your spark, your art, your soul.
How much is enough? What percentage of my expectations for myself do I need to meet in order to be satisfied? How much of my avoiding, numbing, procrastinating behavior is related to striving for the unattainable and continually setting myself up for failure?
BUT…
Is the alternative to just give up and settle for mediocrity? If I don’t at least try to improve in the areas where I struggle, am I living up to the potential placed within me by my Creator? How do I find the balance of good enough?
And here, right here, is where many of us get stuck.
We answer the seductive call of perfection with comparison and competition, depression and denial, rationalizations and reasons why tomorrow will be different. Many of us know in our heart we are saved by grace alone and that our worth is found in our identity as beloved children of God, but the discontent remains. We still aren’t good enough.
We still aren’t perfect.
But we don’t want anyone else to find out, so we pretend. We share our shiny moments on Facebook or in the hallways at work, school or church and we stuff the rest under the bed.
And we feel lonely because we think we are the only one with a bunch of crap crammed under our bed.
So, if any of this is true for you, I am here today to say you are not alone.
As my 51st birthday approaches, I think it is safe to say that I am not going to figure our how to be perfect in this lifetime. My life is a beautiful mess, full of great joy and frequent struggles. Most days, I am at peace with that truth. Other days…other days I find myself back in that cycle of disappointment and wonder if I am the only one.
Anybody else?
I love the idea of perfection. I love that moment when it all comes together in blissful symmetry, when there is nothing to change or fix or tweak just a tad. I love the idea of it and find it in the soft light of a sunrise or the flaming light of a sunset, the fragrance of a pure white gardenia, the blues of a lake reflecting the sky, golden sand mimicking the sun’s colors. I love the perfect love of God for his errant children. Mostly I love knowing that God can see whatever perfect parts there are within me. And, I am truly grateful that He doesn’t expect His perfection of me.
Beautifully said, Linda! I love your description of those perfect moments. Perhaps the secret is reveling in those examples of perfection without expecting the same of ourselves.
I struggle right along with you! I create an unreasonable list for myself and my family and collapse in disappointment when the boxes aren’t checked. I want to do everything better. Performance crowds out grace and I am left feeling less than what Christ has made me. Today I will be my best, which is not perfect, but it is enough.
It is indeed enough, Kelly. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂 And thanks for letting me know you struggle as well. We are all in this together, sister!
Perfect- yes we are- in God’s eyes! Just wish I could see what He sees.
I think you are perfectly wonderful, my dear friend. And I miss you! <3
Thanks so much for sharing this! Indeed, perfection has a way sapping strength and killing joy. Its an easy door to self hatred and depression. Being imperfect we learn more about His Grace, Love and acceptance and being so wrecked ourselves helps keep us humble and accepting of others, I think. Which is good, because the alternative to humble and accepting of others is just plain not Christ-like.
Love to you all,
Jasmine
sorry-I mean “the alternative to NOT humble and accepting of others is just plain not Christ-like”
wow, haha–this is so perfect for this post: I had the comment right teh first time, my “correction” in reply make it all confusing.
The bottom line is: lets be humble and accepting of others…that’s how He is!
Love to you all!